Ok, so tomorrow is, in theory, my last day at this job. I am both happy and sad about this. I'm happy because I've missed auditions, I have to wake up at 6:15 everyday, and I'm not a big fan of working on offices. Also, I have more downtime than I'd like. I'm sad because I really like some of my co-workers, and being here this long has led me to feel kind of at home here. And the consistent pay is really nice.

Here's my big problem: I racked up a bit of a credit card bill in the last couple months. I won all that money last year, and I forgot to budget out how to pay the taxes on it. I wasn't planning on spending it all last year, but after I quit working at Tender Greens, I was in that accident, and work was a little thin on the ground. I think I only worked 4 days in the entire month of October. So I was living off that money.

I did manage to stop spending when I hit the bottom, but pesky Uncle Sam wanted his piece of my pie. So, while I have been working a lot more this year, it's still not quite enough to cover what I owe, especially since the taxes I DID pay last year (the stuff they take out automatically), didn't cover the whole thing. I'm used to getting a tax refund, and I owed more this year than I usually get refunded. It sucks.

I'm going to Texas next week for this huge International Summit that my church is doing. There's going to be 17000 disciples from all over the world, and I will be putting myself more in debt just to go, but it's totally worth it.

I'm supposed to be going to Yosemite the following week, and while I did pay for it already, I'm trying to get out of going, just to get that money back. I still WANT to go, but affording it is becoming a problem.

I am seriously going to be eating a lot of rice and beans in the coming months. Unless some awesome brothers take me out to dinner. :-p

Wants and Needs

Last night at church, we heard about contentment, being satisfied with where God has each of us right now.

Part of this lesson, and I'm not really sure what part, led me to have the urge to completely list out all of my wants and all of my needs. They're going to get completely jumbled together, so I'm not going to specify which is a 'Need' and which is a 'Want'.

If you think I'm pulling any punches, or being dishonest in ANY way, call me on it.
If you think I've left anything off this list, call me on it.
If you think I'm being silly or selfish or self-indulgent about any of it, keep it to yourself!

Here goes Gut-Level Honesty.

I want a man.
I want to get married and have at LEAST 2- 3kids, but I haven't decided how many I want yet.
I want a small wedding, so I don't have to pay a lot, but also so people I know would want to come, can't.
I want a man that makes me laugh, that thinks protecting the environment is important, who takes care of himself with exercise and eating well, but isn't necessarily obsessed with it. Someone who is into movies and TV shows, but isn't religious about it. Someone who not only WANTS to lead, but actually CAN. I don't say this to be disrespectful, but because I want someone who will make decisions, considering my feelings, but not feeling the need to consult me for everything.
I want someone I can talk to about EVERYTHING, from geek TV and movies, to exercise, to food, to God and spirituality, and my emotions.
I need someone both willing and able to ask me the questions that I don't want to think about. I need someone willing to fight for me, even (and especially) if that means fighting with me. Someone who can see my insecurity, but doesn't cater to it.
I want a best friend in my marriage.

I want the time and the money to truly write a blog.
I want to make it about food and gardening and my life.
I want people to actually read it.
I want to spend my time baking for people, and not have to worry about how to pay for the ingredients.
I want to make ice cream that isn't a slow acting poison.
I want people to really think about what they eat and why so much of it isn't really food.

I want to lose weight.
I want to be a size 6 again.
I want to have the time and energy and schedule availability to do yoga at least 3-4 days a week, and I don't want to have to drive to Santa Monica to do so.
I want an electric car.
I want easy parking everywhere.
I want another scooter.

I want to go to Italy and ride a Vespa through the streets of Rome.
I want to travel all over the world.

I need to learn how to Meditate, to calm my thoughts and let go of myself.

I want to not need money.
I want to get rid of most of my 'stuff' and live unencumbered.
I want to not need to be entertained.
I want to not be bored doing nothing.

I want to be satisfied with where I am.
I want to be satisfied with WHO I am.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
I don't want to be so critical and unforgiving of myself.

I want to not be scared to tell people when they've hurt me or let me down, or to give them correction.
I want to not fear rejection with every shred of my being.
I want to not feel like I'm going to cry right now.
I want to be able to cry without fear of being judged because that's not appropriate right now.

I want to be able to embrace my emotions rather than stomping down on them because if people see it they won't like me any more. Or so I believe.

I want to be able to completely let loose, go crazy, have fun and not worry about anything. Even if only for 5 minutes.

I need to be free from my self-imposed jail.
I need to figure out who I am under everything, and let my self be that person.

I want to be more comfortable with people.
I want to be able to actually talk to people, ask them how they are doing, and really be able to listen. Not just to what they're saying but to what they're NOT saying.

I want to be famous. I think it's because I crave love and attention, and I keep telling myself I can deal with the critics, but I don't know if I'm strong enough.
I want to be a really good actress.
I want to win an Oscar. Or two.

I want to make a living doing something I love.
I want to marry someone who has a good job that he likes, if not loves, that doesn't take up ALL his time.

I want to take a food tour of the world.
I want to take a food tour of LA, trying tons of different restaurants, without having to pay for it, or having enough money to not worry about it.

I want to go to Disneyland.
I want to go to Six Flags.
I want to go to a water park.

I want to have a hobby besides watching movies and looking on IMDb.

I want to be more creative.
I want to be able to create characters that are 3-dimensional.

I want my back to not hurt right now.
I want to sleep.

I want to eat food that is Epic Bad for me.

I want someone to cook for, someone to take care of.
I want a partner.

I want to not be so focused on having another person in my life.
I need to depend more on God.
I need to not take God for granted.
I need to look for Him.
I need to be more concerned with what He thinks, and less concerned with what people think.

I need to be content.
I need to be satisfied.

I want to get away from everything, leave the city.
I need a vacation. In Bali, or some other exotic place.
I want to learn to farm. I want to have an Ice Cream farm, and raise dairy cows and chickens. Grow strawberries, blueberries, and peppermint. And bees.
I want to start my own food label that is entirely unprocessed and organic goodies.

I want to not owe money on my credit card. It makes me nervous to owe more than I can pay.
I don't want to eat only lentils and beans and rice for the next 2 months.

I want corporation to not have so much control over the American Public.
I want government officials to make a reasonable amount of money, and only for the time they're in office.
I want Public Healthcare to be more intelligent.
I want our health system to be more focused on prevention, and be able to focus less on cures.
I want people to stop polluting and damaging this planet and poisoning each other.

I want people stop feeling so entitled all the time.

I want more courage.
I want to fear things less.
I want to stop.


The ice cream experiment


I have recently become OBSESSED with making ice cream. I love ice cream, but ever since I started this no refined sugar/flour thing, I haven't been able to partake.

So, as a result, I have recently fallen in love with the idea of making my own ice cream.

Costco sells ice cream makers, and I managed to stumble across it when they were actually having a sale. So I picked up my ice cream maker for a mere $24. Plus tax.

Since getting it I have started experimenting.

My first experiment was a blackberry honey vanilla frozen Greek yogurt. That one was very nearly a complete disaster because I didn't realize that the ice cream maker needed to be running before I put anything into it. It was a tasty mess though. I just plopped some greek yogurt into the thing with some milk and honey, and then mashed the juice out of a LOT of blackberries.

The next experiment was an attempt at a coconut vanilla custard. Again, mistakes: I tried to put the custard into the ice cream maker while it was still hot, and it never really froze, and then I think I overlooked it a little, and the eggs scrambled. Still, though, very tasty.

Most recently I have discovered the beauty of watermelon sorbet. I still haven't figured out why it's not freezing well, but I just don't care at this point, it's sooooo delicious. This time all it is is watermelon juice, basil juice (just a tablespoon or so), and a can of coconut milk. The first time I made it, it never really froze (although I never stuck it in the freezer to harden), and wound up more like a milkshake than ice cream. The second time, today, it is sitting faithfully in the freezer, attempting to solidify. I also added a bit of honey to it today, which I didn't do last week. But it is sooo good.

Today is a day of multiple experiments, because I decided to make a lemon-basil ice cream, also. That one won't go into the ice cream maker until tomorrow, but I made the custard today, cooking lemon juice, eggs and heavy cream with honey. Once it cools completely, I'll add some milk and basil juice, and then put it in the ice cream maker.

I tasted the custard and it is completely awesome. I'm so excited.

I can finally eat ice cream again!!!