4.27.2012

Why do I do this to myself?

I have a crush. And every time I do, I always do this to myself. I start by think it's a completely possible relationship, and I suppose that's completely healthy, unless of course I'm crushing on a celebrity of some sort.

From there, it completely deteriorates. I start attributing all these wonderful habits and qualities to the guy that I have no idea if thy even exist. I fantasize and entirely idealize him and then wave away any hint of flaws.

Then of course, in my head anyway, I've made him far too perfect to want to be with someone as deeply flawed as myself. And it all spirals down from there.

The stages all take varying amounts of time, sometimes only a few hours, sometimes as much as a few weeks or months even. In the past week, I have gone through the entire cycle, clarifying these stages for me and clearly defining each one. This week, it wasn't a slow transition, but more of an abrupt change from one to the next.

I think it's kinda awesome that God is totally clarifying it for me, showing me where I'm stumbling.

The good news is that I think I actually like this guy. Granted, I really don't know him very well. (If I did, I wouldn't be giving him all these impossible traits.)

So here's my plan: get to know him a LOT better. See what his flaws and strengths actually are, rather than making them up as I go along in order to fit the fantasy I have in my head.

I feel like that might be a positive, realistic, intelligent way to deal with my self-torture.

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