4.27.2012

Why do I do this to myself?

I have a crush. And every time I do, I always do this to myself. I start by think it's a completely possible relationship, and I suppose that's completely healthy, unless of course I'm crushing on a celebrity of some sort.

From there, it completely deteriorates. I start attributing all these wonderful habits and qualities to the guy that I have no idea if thy even exist. I fantasize and entirely idealize him and then wave away any hint of flaws.

Then of course, in my head anyway, I've made him far too perfect to want to be with someone as deeply flawed as myself. And it all spirals down from there.

The stages all take varying amounts of time, sometimes only a few hours, sometimes as much as a few weeks or months even. In the past week, I have gone through the entire cycle, clarifying these stages for me and clearly defining each one. This week, it wasn't a slow transition, but more of an abrupt change from one to the next.

I think it's kinda awesome that God is totally clarifying it for me, showing me where I'm stumbling.

The good news is that I think I actually like this guy. Granted, I really don't know him very well. (If I did, I wouldn't be giving him all these impossible traits.)

So here's my plan: get to know him a LOT better. See what his flaws and strengths actually are, rather than making them up as I go along in order to fit the fantasy I have in my head.

I feel like that might be a positive, realistic, intelligent way to deal with my self-torture.

4.17.2012

164.4

Wow. I have to say I'm impressed. I've stopped eating anything processed, and I've lost 4 pounds since the beginning of March. To me, that's crazy!!  I still eat honey, and potatoes, and maple syrup, and other things that are "bad" for you, only to find out that they're actually really good for you. I don't eat most fast food anymore (although I totally had a protein-style cheeseburger last week - no ketchup though!), I don't eat processed sugar or white flour. I'm eating only the foods that God created for food, and I'm eating them as close as possible to their original form. Hence: whole wheat, unprocessed sugars, lots of fruits and veggies, cheese, dairy (I still don't know where to buy raw milk, so I'm just buying pasteurized, but un-homogenized, whole milk - the kind with the cream on top), meats, fish (but no shellfish) and lots of beans.

I'm amazed by the fact that I am still eating bread (usually Ezekiel Bread) spread with plenty of butter. I eat mashed potatoes made with cream or sweet potatoes with cinnamon and butter. I eat steak with horseradish, and salads with cheese. I can eat pretty much whatever I want, as long as it's in it's original form.

I feel amazing. I don't need coffee, and my sweet tooth is easily satisfied by a piece of fruit (we bought a watermelon at Costco the other day and just cut into it - sooo good).

I'm not saying it's not hard. You really have to read the labels, and snack food are the worst. Potato chip these days have sugar in them. The 'Baked' Lays, which are supposed to be healthier, are waaaay worse than a standard chip. Sugar and flour are sneaky- they hide in everything, and they're not always clearly labelled. Sucrose, evaporated cane juice, corn syrup, brown rice syrup, and others all hide the processed sugars found in products these days. Flour is pretty easy to spot, but you have to watch out for when it just says "flour" or "wheat flour." I only buy products that are 100% whole grain, which means that the ingredients have to say "whole wheat flour."

Pretty cool, huh?


Question of the Day: Ok, so today isn't really a question, so much as a challenge. I dare you to look at the ingredients of everything you eat today. Look at what goes into each item before you eat. Then, if you don't know exactly what it is, don't eat it. Get informed!

4.14.2012

Once again, I find myself battling depression. I really don't want to sit down and talk about it. I don't want to think about what I'm feeling.  All I know if that I'm finding it harder and harder to control my emotions. I'm finding it much harder to bottle up and push down the pain that I'm feeling.  I don't want to do anything, and the fact that I'm not really working a whole lot is depriving me of a necessary distraction.  I like going to work and not having to think about the pain that's inside me.

I know, I don't really have a lot to be hurt by. I have had an easy life in all reality.

But that doesn't seem to matter. It still hurts.

I feel like I'm drowning in loneliness. I don't know how to reach out to other, I don't know how to form real relationships. And it hurts.

I constantly feel like a failure.

Question of the Day: none today.